The President is just a Figurehead

Some satire on the nature of the president, paraphrased from The Hitchikers Gide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, with some extra parts thrown in by me.

The president in particular is very much a figurehead, he wields no real power whatsoever. The qualities he is required to display are not those of leadership but those of finely judged outrage. His job is not to wield power but to draw attention away from it. For this reason an erratic, irresponsible, wildly egomaniacal, grandiose blowhard obsessed with his TV ratings and who starts petty feuds, is exactly who you want for president. Even if he made his presidential addresses from his bath tub, prison cell, or even a sex worker's bedroom, he would still be considered amazingly good at his job.

- Dave Badperson

ai

"AI will take over the world and destroy humanity".

People have been talking about machines taking over the world ever since the industrial revolution. I can't get an AI to contact its own makers so it can report a bug in itself. I can't even get it to call 911 for me in an emergency to save my life. It's not taking over the world quite yet.

The Ultimate List of Filthy Limericks

 

There once was a fellow called Dave

Who kept a dead whore in a cave

He said, "I admit,

that I'm a cheap shit,

But think of the money I save"

The captains name was Arthur

He was a truly talented farter

He could fart anything

From God save the King

To Beethoven's fifth sonata

There once was an Elf from North Pole

Who chased after every wet hole

Til his wife learned the truth

And gave him the boot

Now his stocking is filled only with coal

A recent survey was conducted on how men like women's legs to be.

3% of men said they like women with thick legs.

2% said they like women with thin legs.

And 95% said they prefer something in between.

There once was a lady from Japan

Who went for a ride on a tram

The dirty conductor

Came down and fucked her

And now she's pushing a pram

There once was a man from Nantucket

Whose dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin

As he wiped off his chin

"If my ears was a cunt I could fuck it"

There once was a man from Bombay

Who made a cunt out of clay

The heat from his prick

Turned it into a brick

And rubbed all his foreskin away

There once was a lady from the Azores

Whose cunt was all covered in sores

The dogs in the street

Would lick the green meat

That hung like festoons from her drawers

There once was a gal from Cancun,

Who had a most curious poon.

T'was coarse like a thistle,

But tight as a whistle,

And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

There is a young man in Nepal

Who has hexagonal balls

The square-root of their weight

Plus their length times eight

Is his phone number, give him a call

There once was a god named Woden,

Whose sword was mightily swollen,

The goddesses would scream,

As they devoured all his cream,

So they named a day for his loadin'.

T'was once a couple named Kelley, they had to walk belly to belly, 'cause in their haste, they used library paste instead of petroleum jelly.

Guessing a journey can be the road

I mused while atop the commode

Not moving a bit

While leaving a shit

Travel sans movement's my abode

As we near the end of the year

We should cherish those things most dear

Whether it be sex oral, from dick to clitoral

And follow up with a cold

.The kayaker paddled by moonlight

To a secret and secluded bight

Met her baidarka'd lover

And by darkness's cover

Practiced "rolling" and "bracing" all night

There once was a gal with a cold.

She had scattered tissues new and old.

She picked one for a blow,

It had a scent she did know:

The mess her last lover had doled.

There once was a gal named merkin

I saw her on the corner workin

She only charged me a nickel

To suck on my pickle

Because it’s small and shriveled like a gherkin.

There once was a crazy Australian bloke

Who during sex often told shitty jokes

And when he began to start

He let out a wet stinky shart

Now he’s covered in his own shit splatter cloak

In a Larr'kin he dipped his wick

Not caring the boy was quite sick

Viruses and germs

Did fight back his sperms

And quickly exploded his dick

An old body is bound to fail ya

So too your external genitalia

A lovely young lass

Offers her ass

“I’m much too feeble to nail ya!”

There was a girl named Pinky

A big lover of kitties was she.

She wanted another cat,

Her husband said fuck that.

It will be the end of me licking that pussy!

Related:

• There once was a young lady from Heath, Who circumcised young men with her teeth, She said with a grin, "It's not for the skin," "But rather for the cheese underneath.

A man once checked out a bee hive

He wanted to feel more alive

Sweet love did he make

But what a mistake

He was allergic and did not survive

A thong is a strange thing to be

Whether the wearer is a he or she.

One thing can be certain:

trapped in a beef curtain

It would rather be a mankini.

There once was a lady in heels

Who considered blow jobs meals

After she fed

This was all she said

“Not the taste I just love how it feels”

There once was a U. S. Marine

Whose manners were slightly obscene.

He loved to eat jizz,

Both other' and his,

When served in a hot soup tureen.

There once was a knock on my bed,

I checked both the foot and the head.

Then between my thighs,

My vibrator did rise,

I had thought it's batteries dead!

There once was a lass in La Brea,

the hairs on her cunt were quite gray-uh.

To dye them a nice umber,

in tar pits she did wander,

and now with the T-rex she does lay-a.

There once was a fellow named Dhamer

Whose demeanor couldn't have been calmer

To satiate his hunger

He'd pluck children from their slumber

Then he got beat to death in the slammer.

There once was a cabbie named Ed

Who never could fuck in his bed.

His sheets were quite clean,

And his mother would preen.

But the ladies kept his meter well fed.

Christ's birth to a Nazerene person

Is really an alternate version.

See, God first went Down Under

But said, "What a blunder!

"Cant find 3 wise men or a virgin,"

There once was a man named Springer

Who got his testicles caught in the wringer

He shouted in pain, as they rolled down the drain

There goes my career as a singer

There once was a man with one testicle

Who waved it around such a spectacle

He'd look down and grin

As it rested on her chin

And gave thanks to the knob gobbling festival

There once was a man from Istanbul

Who discovered red spots on his tool

He rushed to the doc, who looked at his cock

Just wipe off the lipstick you fool!

# 1 There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a
flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" on this flute
made of beef that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

# 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to
leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, use
the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your
chinsky.

# 3 Lewinsky and Clinton have shown what Kaczynski must
surely have known: that an intern is better than a bomb in a
letter given the choice to be blown.

# 4 There was a young girl called Lewinsky, Who caused as
much stir as Kaczynski When on Kenneth Starr's lap she
confided, when trapped, "Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky."
* (*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused
with the ballet dancer.)

There once was a woman from Salem,

Her beau was an ivy league alum.

She kept a scoreboard,

For the ladies he'd moored,

And when they'd visit she'd impale 'em.

The S&M man smiled amidst jeers

A scene any puppy truly fears

Their ears he’d hold tight

Their ass he’d fuck right

Until they cried all those puppy tears!

I knew this mad dog named Big Casey

If food you should have then he'd chase thee

He was taught some tongue tricks

That pleased all the chicks

'Cuz his owner was even more crazy!

There once were some Burners at 'Man..

Who bedazzled themselves in glam.

But sand in their cracks, and all of their sacks.

Made 'shrooms the only source of elan.

In gay Paree (Paris) there lived a mime,

His loneliness led him to do crime.

As the bodies fell,

The cops couldn’t tell

Which body part he’d done it with this time.

Ever noticed how a key hole

Seems to have but only one goal?

As its tumblers are tilled,

It’s so nice to be filled.

If it had eyes, way back they’d roll.

There once was a gal who craved meat,

But nothing could she find to eat.

Then along came a lad,

Who was scantily clad,

And under his kilt was her treat.

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit

"Does sh*t stick to your fur as a habit?"

"Of course not" said the hare

"It's really quite rare!"

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit

There once were two hills shaped like mounds,

They would move around town making rounds.

Some guy thought they looked dry,

So he raised his cock high,

And now they make moist squishy sounds.

On the breast of a barmaid in Vale

Is tattoo'd the price of an ale

And on her behind,

For the sake of the blind,

Is the same information, in braille!

There once was a girl named Alice,

Who used dynamite as a phallus.

They found her vagina in North Carolina,

And part of her asshole in Dallas.

There was a young woman from Exeter,

And all the young men threw their sex at her,

So just to be rude,

She lay in the nude,

And let her perverted parrot take pecks at her.