Friday, January 5, 2024

The Ultimate List of Filthy Limericks

The ultimate list of filthy limericks (and a few extras), by Dave Badperson

There is something about satyriasis
That arouses psychiatrists' biases
But we're both very pleased
We're in this way diseased
As the damsel who's waiting to try us is

There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he’d at last found a tight one
He said, “Oh my love,
It fits like a glove.”
Said she, “But you’re not in the right one"

There once was a fellow called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said, "I admit,
that I'm a cheap shit,
But think of the money I save"

There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
She had only one tit
And smelled worse than shit
But think of the money Dave saved

The captain's name was Arthur
He was a truly talented farter
He could fart anything
From God save the King
To Beethoven's fifth sonata

There once was a man from Peru
Who went sailing in a canoe
While dreaming of Venus
He tickled his penis
And woke up with a handful of goo

There once was an Elf from North Pole
Who chased after every wet hole
Til his wife learned the truth
And gave him the boot
Now his stocking is filled only with coal

Not a limerick...
A recent survey was conducted on how men like women's legs to be.
3% of men said they like women with thick legs.
2% said they like women with thin legs.
And 95% said they prefer something in between.

There once was a lady from Japan
Who went for a ride on a tram
The dirty conductor
Came down and fucked her
And now she's pushing a pram

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
"If my ears was a cunt I could fuck it"

There once was a man from Bombay
Who made a cunt out of clay
The heat from his prick
Turned it into a brick
And rubbed all his foreskin away

There once was a lady from the Azores
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Would lick the green meat
That hung like festoons from her drawers

There once was a gal from Cancun,
Who had a most curious poon.
T'was coarse like a thistle,
But tight as a whistle,
And whilst cumming, could play you a tune.

There is a young man in Nepal
Who has hexagonal balls
The square-root of their weight
Plus their length times eight
Is his phone number, give him a call

Irish tradition is grand
Though the food is quite tasteless and bland
So Guinness I'll drink
'Til I can no longer think
Then I'll piss down my leg where I stand

There once was a god named Woden,
Whose sword was mightily swollen,
The goddesses would scream,
As they devoured all his cream,
So they named a day for his loadin'.

T'was once a couple named Kelley
They had to walk belly to belly
'Cause in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly

Guessing a journey can be the road
I mused while atop the commode
Not moving a bit
While leaving a shit
Travel sans movement's my abode

There once was a singer of old
Who then broke away from the fold
He won't give you up
He won't let you down
In a word, you've been Limer-Rick-rolled

As we near the end of the year
We should cherish those things most dear
Whether it be sex oral, from dick to clitoral
And follow up with a cold

The kayaker paddled by moonlight
To a secret and secluded bight
Met her baidarka'd lover
And by darkness's cover
Practiced "rolling" and "bracing" all night

There once was a gal with a cold.
She had scattered tissues new and old.
She picked one for a blow,
It had a scent she did know:
The mess her last lover had doled.

There once was a gal named merkin
I saw her on the corner workin
She only charged me a nickel
To suck on my pickle
Because it’s small and shriveled like a gherkin.

There once was a crazy Australian bloke
Who during sex often told shitty jokes
And when he began to start
He let out a wet stinky shart
Now he’s covered in his own shit splatter cloak

In a Larrikin he dipped his wick
Not caring the boy was quite sick
Viruses and germs
Did fight back his sperms
And quickly exploded his dick

An old body is bound to fail ya
So too your external genitalia
A lovely young lass
Offers her ass
“I’m much too feeble to nail ya!”

There was a girl named Pinky
A big lover of kitties was she.
She wanted another cat,
Her husband said fuck that.
It will be the end of me licking that pussy!

There once was a young lady from Heath
Who circumcised young men with her teeth
She said with a grin
"It's not for the skin"
"But rather for the cheese underneath"

A man once checked out a bee hive
He wanted to feel more alive
Sweet love did he make
But what a mistake
He was allergic and did not survive

A thong is a strange thing to be
Whether the wearer is a he or she.
One thing can be certain:
trapped in a beef curtain
It would rather be a mankini.

There once was a lady in heels
Who considered blow jobs meals
After she fed
This was all she said
“Not the taste I just love how it feels”

There once was a U.S. Marine
Whose manners were slightly obscene.
He loved to eat jizz,
Both other's and his,
When served in a hot soup tureen.

There once was a knock on my bed,
I checked both the foot and the head.
Then between my thighs,
My vibrator did rise,
I had thought it's batteries dead!

There once was a lass in La Brea,
the hairs on her cunt were quite gray-uh.
To dye them a nice umber,
in tar pits she did wander,
and now with the T-rex she does lay-a.

There once was a fellow named Dhamer
Whose demeanor couldn't have been calmer
To satiate his hunger
He'd pluck children from their slumber
Then he got beat to death in the slammer.

There once was a cabbie named Ed
Who never could fuck in his bed.
His sheets were quite clean,
And his mother would preen.
But the ladies kept his meter well fed.

Christ's birth to a Nazerene person
Is really an alternate version.
See, God first went Down Under
But said, "What a blunder!
"Cant find 3 wise men or a virgin,"

There once was a man named Springer
Who got his testicles caught in the wringer
He shouted in pain
As they rolled down the drain
There goes my career as a singer

There once was a man with one testicle
Who waved it around such a spectacle
He'd look down and grin
As it rested on her chin
And gave thanks to the knob gobbling festival

There once was a man from Istanbul
Who discovered red spots on his tool
He rushed to the doc
Who looked at his cock
And said "Just wipe off the lipstick you fool!"

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski
Since you look such a mess
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice to be blown.

There was a young girl called Lewinsky
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Kenneth Starr's lap
She confided, when trapped
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky"
* (*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse not to be confused
with the ballet dancer.)

There once was a woman from Salem
Her beau was an Ivy League alum
She kept a scoreboard
For the ladies he'd moored
And when they'd visit she'd impale 'em

The S&M man smiled amidst jeers
A scene any puppy truly fears
Their ears he’d hold tight
Their ass he’d fuck right
Until they cried all those puppy tears!

I knew this mad dog named Big Casey
If food you should have then he'd chase thee
He was taught some tongue tricks
That pleased all the chicks
'Cuz his owner was even more crazy!

There once were some Burners at 'Man..
Who bedazzled themselves in glam.
But sand in their cracks
And all of their sacks.
Made 'shrooms the only source of elan.

In gay Paree (Paris) there lived a mime,
His loneliness led him to do crime.
As the bodies fell,
The cops couldn’t tell
Which body part he’d done it with this time.

Ever noticed how a key hole
Seems to have but only one goal?
As its tumblers are tilled,
It’s so nice to be filled.
If it had eyes, way back they’d roll.

There once was a gal who craved meat,
But nothing could she find to eat.
Then along came a lad,
Who was scantily clad,
And under his kilt was her treat.

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does sh*t stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not" said the hare
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit

There once were two hills shaped like mounds,
They would move around town making rounds.
Some guy thought they looked dry,
So he raised his cock high,
And now they make moist squishy sounds.

On the breast of a barmaid in Vale
Is tattoo'd the price of an ale
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Is the same information, in braille!

There once was a girl named Alice,
Who used dynamite as a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her asshole in Dallas.

There was a young woman from Exeter,
And all the young men threw their sex at her,
So just to be rude,
She lay in the nude,
And let her perverted parrot take pecks at her.

-Dave Badperson

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