On Christmas Day 2019 I saw a bunch of the usual Christmas posts, straight out of the heart of conformism, straight down the middle of the road. Well of course, me being me, I had to do something different. So I made the following post and posted some pictures and videos shown below, just to stir people up. Hey, I'm Dave Bad Person, what did you expect?
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Hey remember folks, today is Jesus's birthday. He's 2019 years old today. Of course, the reason that God gave us Jesus was so we could kill him. Yes, God needed us to kill his only son so he could forgive us for being the bad people he made us, so he could forgive our sins. That makes sense, right? So why did God do this? Well, ask any devoted Christian and they'll tell you, "Because he loves us". I presume that's also why God wants us to burn in hell for all eternity if we don't follow his rules, because he loves us. Perhaps God shouldn't have made us such shitty people in the first place, that would have saved him a lot of hassle and a dead son.
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Hey remember folks, today is Jesus's birthday. He's 2019 years old today. Of course, the reason that God gave us Jesus was so we could kill him. Yes, God needed us to kill his only son so he could forgive us for being the bad people he made us, so he could forgive our sins. That makes sense, right? So why did God do this? Well, ask any devoted Christian and they'll tell you, "Because he loves us". I presume that's also why God wants us to burn in hell for all eternity if we don't follow his rules, because he loves us. Perhaps God shouldn't have made us such shitty people in the first place, that would have saved him a lot of hassle and a dead son.
Hey, come to think of it, why was God only able to have one son? You'd think the almighty that made the entire universe could have another son, right? Seems odd to me.
Hey, and Mary told Joseph she was pregnant but she hadn't been with another man. And he believed that shit? What a gullible idiot.
Hey, why doesn't the Bible mention the miracles of teenage Jesus? Is it because he didn't perfect his godlike powers until adulthood? Or maybe he was a disturbed teenager and did some inappropriate things with his powers that were best not mentioned?
Hey, did you know that crucifixion was the standard punishment for enemies of the Roman state? Yup. Jesus was seen by the Romans as a disturber of the peace, and possibly as someone who might incite the Jews to rise up and try to take back their land from the Romans. So he was crucified as an enemy of the state. Of course, Roman soldiers would have to guard people who were being crucified, otherwise their friends would come and rescue them. Crucifixion would normally take a few days to finish someone off, so to save time the guards would often speed up the process by jabbing them in the chest with a spear to give them a punctured lung. That way they died quicker and the guards could go home sooner. Now you know why Jesus was stabbed in the chest with a spear by the Roman soldier Longinus, because Longinus wanted to get home in time for dinner. Pretty cool huh?
Hey, I'm sure you've heard Jesus referred to as "The Lamb of God", but have you ever noticed that Jesus is never depicted as a lamb on a cross? That's because that would be animal sacrifice, and that's a pagan ritual.
Hey, you've probably heard the story that Jesus's body disappeared from the cave where it was being stored because he'd risen from the dead? That's actually not what happened at all. Nope, his friends actually bribed the guards at the cave so they could take his body away for a burial according to their own traditions. This is actually written in the Bible at Matthew 28: 11-15, and also in the Jewish Tanakh.
That's all for now. I'm glad to have brought you these cheerful Christmas truths. The important thing to remember is what Christmas is all about: the presents. Even more important is to remember that Jesus died for our sins, which means that if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing. So get out there and start doing some bad stuff for Jesus's sake.
Look what Santa brought me this year. Best Christmas ever *sniffle*
And now for some Christmas cheer
Here are some clips from South Park season 3 episode 10, Mr Hankey's Christmas Classics. I haven't figured out how to embed these yet, so they're just links for now.
Mr. Garrison attacks the rest of the world for the way they celebrate Christmas.
South Park. An introduction to Mr. Hankey's Christmas classics.
Satan and the gang sing about Christmas in Hell.
https://southpark.cc.com/clips/103390/hitler-sings
Our favorite president says Merry Christmas
https://southpark.cc.com/clips/103390/hitler-sings
Our favorite president says Merry Christmas
Here's a different Christmas video called Dear Satan, narrated by Patrick Stewart.
https://vimeo.com/246983302
The meme of the year, Christmas version.
And here's something for the Jews and Chanukah
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avx2OhiSJAw
And a couple of movies to add some Christmas cheer. These are just clips unless you pay to watch them on YouTube.
Bad Santa
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYS6XvqoZ6g
The Nightmare Before Christmas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9KE6n3x6O8
-Dave Bad Person
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